I know you must have questions and security concerns after the recent stabbing at Palm Beach County’s nudist resort, Sunsport Gardens, in Loxahatchee Groves. As a full-service local news columnist, I am here to for you, so let’s get right to it.Question: Is it true that firearms are not permitted at Sunsport Gardens?Answer: Yes, you have the right to “bare arms” at the nudist camp, but not to “bear arms.” Like many private businesses, the nudist camp has decided that nudists would be safer without firearms.Q: Is it even possible for Florida nudists to defend themselves by taking advantage of the state’s concealed weapons permit law?A: Technically, nudists in Florida may have concealed weapons. In practice, however, this may be difficult, impractical and possibly even painful.Q: But let’s say a nudist gun owner walks to the community swimming pool with a towel around his waist, and his handgun under the front of his towel. That would work, right?A: Depending on the size and orientation of the gun. A derringer with the proper tuck, no problem. But a Smith and Wesson . 44 Magnum, front and center, may create quite a stir, not to mention some confusion among the other guests.So in this case it may help for the towel-packing nudist to make a general announcement to the others.Q: Something like, “Hey ladies, don’t be alarmed. My gun’s loaded, but I’ve got the safety on.” Right?A: No, that may make things worse. The gun owner needs to be more clear, by saying something like, “Relax, I’ve just taken a three-hour class to teach me how to use this the right way.”Come to think of it, that won’t work either. Just don’t say anything.Q: Is there some particular behavior in a nudist camp that might be a sign that your neighbor is about to engage in a mass shooting?A: If he puts on a bullet-proof vest. As a general rule, beware of nudists wearing vests.Q: I believe the best way to stop a bad nudist with a gun is with a good nudist with a gun. So how can I tell between a good nudist with a gun and a bad nudist with a gun?A: A good nudist with a gun should be carrying his or her state-issued photo identification.The state law says: “The licensee must carry the license, together with valid identification, at all times in which the licensee is in actual possession of a concealed weapon or firearm and must display both the license and proper identification upon demand by a law enforcement officer.”Q: So nudists who manage to conceal weapons must also have a photo ID on them, showing that the concealed gun is authorized?A: Yes, according to the law, that ID should include a “full frontal view” of the applicant.Q: I don’t imagine that nudists would have a problem with that.A: Full frontal of the head only.Q: Oh. What about the effect that carrying this ID may have on the creation of an unwanted tan line?A: That’s not addressed in the law. When state lawmakers drafted Florida’s concealed weapons statute, they clearly didn’t have nudists in mind.Q: So is the solution an “open carry” law in Florida?A: It’s true that if law-abiding Floridians didn’t have to conceal their weapons, the unequal access to legal firearms that nudists experience today would be eliminated. But accommodating nudists would be an odd rationale for turning Florida back to the days of the Wild West.Q: So you’re saying this is a ridiculous argument that will never be made?A: No, I’m saying that the Florida Legislature just hasn’t thought of it yet.Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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